determined

   something needs to be done about my life. i am tired of emotional and physical pain every day. its so easy to stand back and see what needs changed... sure, i need to lose weight, get back on track with God, adam, my girls. be a better friend, daughter, sister, wife, mom... problem is i'm so overwhelmed by all of this that i don't even know where to start. it all makes me so tired...

my nose is running

   stuck in a rut. that's how i feel. only its an emotional one... if you can call it that. maybe i'm just still in mourning, i don't know. what i do know, however, is that i am not looking forward to this winter. i hate winter as it is, and now i have to feel like this and endure it? come on!!! something needs to give before this swallows me whole. its getting harder and harder to hide the way my heart is aching. 
   i'm trying to hold on to the positives... my family, great friends, job, puppy, place to live, food, air, etc. but why is it that no matter how much you have to be thankful for the bad always seems to outweigh the good? like, you have to try super hard to feel happy, but the smallest thing can send you into a whirlwind of depression? STUPID! i hate it. and i hate when the sunshine in my life gets dimmer because people who don't deserve to die, do. these are not people we need to rid the earth of. these are people needed to make this world better... so why are they taken away? its not fair! just sayin...

discombobulated

     maybe i need to give myself some more time but i am just finding myself so utterly shattered and shaken with this passed month's events.  i have always been so sure of what i believed and who i believed in and lately... i don't know... its all coming down fast.  and i'm drowning. i feel every fiber of my being changing and i can't tell yet if its for better or worse.  what i do know, however, is that every time you find yourself sure about something in life, be ready, cuz somethin is gonna come along at some point to shake up your faith.  comfortable is never permanent.  that's life. maybe i'm being negative, and i really do hope thats what it is, cuz coming to this realization has been very very hard on me.  bleh.  hurting is way over rated.

beginnings

     so after having the worst october ever, i have decided to start a blog cuz i have a lot of thoughts and i don't always have an outlet for them.  my mind can be very confusing, dramatic, contradictive, and hypocritical. but hey, i'm a human.  all i'm sayin is if you are gonna read these then u may not judge me. if u don't like my blog then don't read it.  k?  if u can handle all that then read on my friend.
     october started off with one of my very close friends losing her battle with cancer on the 3rd. her name is laura.  everyone expected a miracle to take place and for her to be healed.  her not being here has made every day a battle.  there are no doubts in my mind or heart that she is in heaven.  which makes me happy... but i miss her so.  and i hate that she suffered here on earth as much as she did.  tho her being sick and the attitude she had the whole time touched so many.  still my selfishness wants her here.  its hard for me to accept that it was her time.
     a couple of weeks later my best friend aimee was in a car accident.  she lived and everything but the whole thing has been very traumatic.  she broke a wing off one of her lower vertebrae and may end up needing surgery.  i know how very hard this has been on her and that breaks my heart for her. on top of which, almost every night since, i have had nightmares that her accident ended differently.  its making me sick.  the constant pain she is in breaks my heart for her.  and i can't shake all the "what could have happened" thoughts.  she is my unbiological sister.  and i just don't want her to hurt anymore.
     the cherry on this month was the loss of a woman i've known since i was seven.  at 3:30 on saturday afternoon angie connin was killed in a car crash due to a kid runnin a yield sign.  this has been my breaking point.  i just can't understand a loss like this.  i am a firm believer in Christ and i know God does things for the greater good and all that... but i find myself growing angry with him.  this woman was not done being used by her God.  she was an amazing example of God's love.  and i just don't understand why it had to be her.  there is so much evil in this world why can't those people pay their consequences and be gone? rapists, murderers, child molesters, u get my point.  i'm just so shaken.  and it sucks.
     now to be clear, my life is not all bad and i do understand that.  sometimes u just gotta look real hard at the good to keep yourself going.  my baby girls are what i look at. :) its real hard to be a mom, but i wouldn't trade it for my old life for anything.  and i have a husband who walks hand in hand every day with a very difficult woman.  we are trying to figure life out together and lately it sucks more than anything else, but i'm thankful for him, and i'm glad i'm not alone.
     sometimes i just wanna slap people and tell them if all they have is one positive thing in life then they still have a reason to keep going. i'm just sayin...